On being 39- a shift toward gratitude

Like so many nights before, I fell asleep earlier than I planned last night, which meant that I didn’t set my alarm, which meant that I felt like I slept with one eye open all night because I was afraid of not getting on my 8:00 am conference call, of not getting up and getting on the treadmill or doing 30 minutes of yoga.  So when I woke up too early and checked my phone to see that I would indeed make my conference call, but definitely wouldn’t have time for a workout…again…I saw that my high school science teacher was the first to wish me a Happy Birthday on Facebook.  Mr. Sims, just as he had for at least ten years, before anyone else, reminded me I had made another trip around the sun.  Today, I turned 39.

I am the youngest of 3, and earlier today on the phone with my middle brother, Kyle, he joked about me hanging on to this last year of my thirties, because “damn, Han, once you get over that hump, we are all officially OLD!”. What is that hump that you get over?  Has it all been up hill and now it’s all downhill from here? And maybe he’s right.  Maybe me at 40, him at 43 and Jason at 46 really means we are old. Maybe it means we are wise.  Maybe we will never know.

But of course I remember being my kids’ age and thinking that 40 was ancient. So old, in fact, that on my dad’s 40th birthday, I bought him a balloon that said “Older Than Dirt”……oh if I’d only known.   But somehow 39 truly does feel like a crossroad, a divide where maybe I’m halfway through, but I’m certain the best is yet to come.  39 is a point where I can look back and be proud and reflect on all of the lessons, the growth, the letdowns, the pain and the joy that have brought me to today..my 39th birthday.  I can look ahead and pray that I am blessed with at least 39 more to be better, to do better, and to continue on this incredible journey “over the hill”…

At 39, we talk with our girlfriends about struggling through The Whole 30 or what type of foundation doesn’t make our skin oily, or what eyeliner really doesn’t run.  We dish about our husbands and our kids and ask for coupons to Bed Bath and Beyond and we celebrate our kids getting drivers licenses and jobs and we sit on our decks and drink wine in our pajamas.  And at 39, our circle of those friends is smaller, but so so so much deeper.  I’ve learned the difference between a friend and someone who just exists in your orbit.  I’ve been burned and I’ve been used but I have been so lifted up and so encouraged and loved when I really really needed it by women who will forever be my tribe.  And for that I am grateful.

At 39, we wish we would have used sunscreen more often instead of putting iodine in our baby oil and lemon juice in our hair and laying for hours by the pool at the Elk’s Lodge.  But at 39 I’m willing to spend money to take care of me, either through necessity or extravagance…I don’t feel guilty about either one.  And for that I am grateful.

At 39, the word cancer isn’t just for old people anymore.  We know someone, or too many someones, who have faced the monster head on.  We over-analyze every bump, every change in color in every spot.  We stare up-close at our skin, we press and prod on our breasts, we over-Google, and over-self-diagnose, and borrow trouble and fear the worst.  But at 39, I’m taking better care of myself than I ever have.  I’m making my health a priority, and today, I woke up and breathed in a full breath and soaked up the sunshine and knew that I was given a gift of health.  And for that I am grateful.

At 39, too many of us have lost a parent, or a sibling, or a childhood friend. We’ve felt pain that we really only thought existed under the hot lights of a stage or on a big screen or in a sad song.  We’ve sat beside our dad and held his hand and told him it’s ok to let go because we knew the only reason he was hanging on was for us.  We’ve gotten a phone call in the middle of a meeting to say that our very best friend growing up somehow couldn’t find the will to live any longer and we’ve struggled with what we could have done to save him.  But at 39, I’ve watched my mother grow a brand new set of wings and fly out of a nest that she lived in for 40 years and find HER again.  I’ve watched in awe as she dug deep for her own independence and her voice and has built a firm foundation for a new life she never asked to live.  I’ve been able to share amazing stories of those who are no longer with us and hold tight to the words and the lessons they left behind.  And for that I am grateful.

At 39, I walked into my office to find my favorite bottle of wine, a gift certificate for a spa day, hilarious cards from my best friend who I’m lucky enough to work with every single day, and so many other sweet gifts from my amazing team I have the privilege of leading.  All my friends and coworkers gathered in my office and sang Happy Birthday to me and I was treated to a delicious lunch.  Shawn sent two beautiful plants to my office and I came home to a delicious home cooked meal and real, sincere, deep hugs from my kids.  At 39, I have never ever felt more at peace, at ease, and fulfilled than I do at this very single moment.  My gratitude is overwhelming and I am humbled to have been given the gift of these last 39 years.

All the lessons, all the growth, all the love, all the mistakes, all the lessons, all the years.  All 39 of them.  For that I am grateful.

-H