Your eyes are heavy as you lay on the couch trying to stay awake to watch TV, wrapped in a new blanket from your dad. Your extremely long legs are outstretched on the coffee table in front of you, and we just finished watching you open presents for your sixteenth birthday…..I have to almost say that twice to actually believe it.
Today, you, Perry, my baby girl turned 16.
As I was folding the gift bags and tidying up the kitchen, every time I walked back and forth through the living room, I hoped you wouldn’t catch me staring at you, or tearing up. I have been weepy all day, not because you are growing up, but because I am just so damn proud of who you are, what you are becoming, what you have overcome, and what I know is going to be such an amazing adventure that awaits you.
I could spend a thousand words describing how I fell in love with you as soon as I saw you, or how you were the easiest baby we could’ve ever dreamed of. I could describe your perfectly pink skin and long dainty fingers and how you would always wrap your arm behind me when you nursed and rub my back with your tiny hand. There are a million stories I could retell that could never come close to conveying how in awe of you I have been for 16 years.
So today, I will write about now. I will make a feeble attempt to describe how you have taught me more than I could have ever taught you in the last 16 years. And I hope to give you a gift that isn’t a spa gift certificate, or a zodiac necklace, or even a ukelele from your brother…I hope to give you words that can one day be a reminder of now. Of today. Something you can look back on when time and life have given you new perspective, and you can reflect, and maybe understand a little more about who I am, and what I hope to be for you.
Perry you have taught me what strength truly looks like. You have stood tall in the face of adversity. You have never wavered, where others would have crumbled. You have held your head high and your voice steady. In the times when I can’t see clearly and hurt and anger clouds my judgement, you have shown me that bravery and strength are hand in hand and you refuse to allow anyone steal your joy.
You have taught me that there are a thousand roads to happiness. While there are times that I so deeply miss your childish giggles and silliness, my heart is full when I see you with your friends, your teammates, your coaches, your brothers, and that joy and fun and excitement just pours out of you. I know right now you can feel like you are a million miles away from me, but I will watch from afar. I will smile to see you happy and will be here waiting when I know you will come back and need your momma. I will continue to watch you and learn to soak in happiness around me like a sponge, just the way I see you do it.
You have shown me that forgiveness is real, and necessary, and hard. You constantly show me what grace looks like. Even when someone has treated you poorly or unfairly, you are the first to say “it’s ok”, and offer a hug or a word of encouragement. There are countless mistakes I have made, and I have seen you forgive me. I’ve watched you choose to give me grace and space to do better, and to grow.
You have taught me to be kinder, gentler….to take life..and myself..less seriously.
You have taught me over and over and over again that sometimes you need to get lost to be found. Your love for nature, and keen sense of direction is amazing. Your confidence with animals, with the outdoors, with new experiences, shows me that I don’t always need an agenda. That it’s ok not to have a plan, and that most often, it’s more fun without one!
You have reminded me…sometimes the hard way…that screwing up is ok, and it’s normal, and it’s part of growing. Raising a teenager (or three), is hard. You’re finding your way and discovering who you are. You’re navigating a culture and a society that is cruel, and unforgiving, and has expectations that can feel unattainable, and as your mom, I’m simply doing my best to help you grow but keep you anchored. To let you find yourself while never losing sight of who you are. To give you your wings but hope desperately you fly back to me soon.
You have taught me that being sunshine, mixed with a little hurricane, is the most amazing combination of strength, of vulnerability, of kindness, of depth, of resiliency, and of passion….and that it is perfectly you.
Perry you have made me a better person..a better mom…a better friend. You are difficult, and challenging, and complex, and sometimes unpredictable, sometimes moody, but always, always, incredible and amazing. You bring a light and a peace and a calm and a confidence to everyone you meet. I can’t wait to continue to learn from you, and I can’t wait to see who you become.
Thank you for loving me. For forgiving me. For helping me grow. Thank you for your strength, your confidence, your wisdom beyond your years. Thank you for 16 amazing years. Today, right now, this age, this society, this culture…it’s hard. I know that your mom is the last person you think you need, but please know this. I’m going to continue to learn from you. I’m going to continue to do my best, and I’m going to continue to fall short. But I’m also going to know that one day, these words will hold a different meaning. So for today, I come to you humbly and thank you for 16 years of lessons. Thank you for letting me be your mom. There’s truly no greater gift.
-H
Our Thousand Days 